


Never Did A Thing Happen To Me Where I Didn't Think of You

by IvyCpher



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mean Deceit Sanders, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Unsympathetic Deceit Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21695467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyCpher/pseuds/IvyCpher
Summary: Virgil's older brother Dee isn't the best, in fact he could be put down as the worst. He throws out a special item of Virgil's that his boyfriend Logan had given him and Virgil loses it.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 22
Kudos: 208





	Never Did A Thing Happen To Me Where I Didn't Think of You

Virgil was trying not to cry, but when he tried not to cry he always ended up not breathing. He was sitting in the passenger seat of Dee's, his older half brother's car and just trying not to lose it. His mind was spinning, spinning with memories and although most of them were good, now in his heightened state of anxiety they were scary beyond belief.

Dee used to be nice to Virgil, he was still nice to him sometimes, but not all the time. Right now Dee was yelling at Virgil, but he couldn't hear him over the beat of his heart and the click of the keys rattling in the ignition and the wind screaming through the open window. Dee used to be nice, but he really wasn't now. Dee used to be nice but he had taken to inducing horrible anxiety attacks out of Virgil and then blaming him for it. Dee used to be nice but after their father died and he had to start taking care of Virgil instead of going to his dream college, he turned mean, he turned spiteful, and he turned manipulative.

Dee used to be nice, but he had just thrown Virgil's favourite fidget toy, the only one he had on him, out the window. It was a smooth, rose quartz egg that his boyfriend of two years, Logan had got him long before they even got together. He had ripped it out of Virgil's hand while he was doing his best to calm down about missing the bus and the fact that if he didn't get to school on time that he would have to suffer through a week of in school suspension. Then he threw it out the window, and Virgil didn't hear it break over the wind, but he knew it did. And even, given the small chance that it hadn't broken, he knew that it was lost forever.

Virgil had loved that little piece of rose quartz, he loved it nearly as much as he loved Logan. He could always run his fingers over it when he was stressed or put it against his hot cheek to cool him off just the tiniest bit. But he couldn't do that now because it was gone and lost and probably shattered into a million, tiny, little pieces that could never ever be repaired. Virgil didn't want Logan to be mad at him, but he had lost that beautiful special little thing that Logan had given him and he just  _ knew  _ he would be mad.

Closing his eyes to the world, Virgil tried to block it all out. He was cracking his fingers so much they hurt, wringing his hands until his skin was bright red and hot. All this while trying not to cry, trying not to breathe. And a memory filled his mind, a memory that Virgil couldn't bear to think of, but couldn't stop thinking about it given the situation. He started thinking about the day that Logan had gave him that rose quartz.

***

It had been a nice day, a great day really. Virgil had enough money to get some poptarts from the vending machine in the cafeteria and he ate them in the back of the library instead of going to lunch. He didn't eat in the cafeteria if he could help it, the noise and all the smells always overwhelmed him and made him feel sick. He felt that he did relatively well on his history test during third period and the rest of the day had just went smoothly. He liked the rare days like this one, they came out of nowhere and made him feel better for a bit.

To make the day even better, he had band practice after school. Virgil liked band, it took place for an hour and a half after school and that was just more time he didn't have to spend at home with his older brother Dee. Unlike band- Virgil didn't like Dee very much. He was his half brother and older than him just by 15 years… He wasn't the nicest brother, but Virgil didn't like thinking about him that much, whenever he did he fell into a downward spiral and his mind basically went blank for anything he would say or do.

After the last bell of the day rang and eighth period ended, Virgil waved goodbye to his geometry teacher and grabbed his saxophone case from the back of the room. He let all the other kids in his class leave the room first, many of them talked loudly amongst themselves and pushed furiously to get out the door first. Once they had all gone he left the classroom and started down the hall in the opposite direction that most of the other students, who were all running to the staircase at the end of the hall.

Virgil had grabbed his backpack from his locker and strung it over his shoulder as he walked down to the band room at the front of the school. A few stragglers racing to make it to their busses in time ran past him with textbooks or trapper keepers under their arms. A smile hitched at his lips as he turned the corner and came to the open doors of the band room.

The inside of the band room was a cluttered mess with trophies from competitions on a shelf that looked like it could collapse at any moment, various band memes tacked up on the walls, and a weird shrine to Dolly Parton that the chorus kids had made in the corner of the room (the band room also doubled as the chorus room because of the school's shit funding).

Virgil was one of the first kids to show up, the only one there besides the teacher was the new kid, Logan Powers. He really wasn't the new kid by now, he had started at the beginning of the year as a sophomore, the same grade Virgil was in. They had a few classes together, AP history, French, and stats; but Logan didn't really talk to him much in class. When they did talk, they talked in band; that's where they built their friendship.

Making his way down the aisle of old, black chairs, Virgil sat down in the seat next to Logan and sat his backpack in the seat directly besides him. "Hey, Lo'," He gave him a quick mock salute as he put his saxophone case at his feet. "How do you think you did on that history test earlier?"

Pushing up his glasses, Logan shrugged. "It was easy. I wish we didn't have to go over each chapter so long, three weeks is just too much. I mean, we're in the AP class after all, we're supposed to be going at a quicker pace than the other classes."

Virgil only nodded, he looked around and saw that there was still no other kids yet in the room. He brought his thumb to his mouth and chewed absentmindedly on his nail, "I'd like to get to the AIDS crisis at least, but judging by how McCrory skipped over Stonewall, I don't think she'll mention much about how it killed a whole generation of queer people." He pulled his hood up with his free hand, "I wonder why no one's here yet… Svenny hates it when we're late."

"I do agree, McCory isn't the most accurate or concerned when it comes to LGBT history. I simply don't see the point of hiring a teacher who isn't willing to cover all pieces of their subject, it's just failed logic." Shrugged Logan, he reached over and unzipped his satchel bag. He didn't say anything on the subject of none of the other band members coming to the meeting and Virgil wasn't very concerned.

Virgil sat there, thinking to himself as Logan sat back up. He was fidgeting with something that he had pulled out of his bag, but Virgil couldn't see it, it must've been something small so that it could fit so well in his hands. Instead of staring at Logan, however, Virgil looked at the front of the room where their band instructor, Mrs. Svennson was sitting on her phone, probably texting. She didn't seem to notice them yet, and Virgil was just about to ask her where everyone else was until Logan had tapped his shoulder.

When Virgil looked over at Logan, he saw that he looked slightly nervous. He had never seen Logan nervous, anxious, or any emotion in between. "You okay?" He asked, not taking his thumb away from his mouth.

Logan furrowed his brow in confusion, "Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" In his lap he held both of his hands together, hiding the object he had removed from his bag from view.

"You-," Started Virgil, but he decided that it would just be easier to forget it, "Nevermind, what's up?"

While biting his lip, Logan slowly raised his hands from his lap. "I've noted that you have some sort of anxiety disorder, you stim a lot in class; and I thought.. Well I did some research and I discovered that 'fidget stones' as they're called are becoming a popular fidget toy." He took his top most hand away and revealed an egg of rose quartz in his hand.

With a slow hand, Virgil took the stone while Logan kept on talking. It felt cold in his hand and he squeezed it. He felt his heart speed up in his chest and his breath catch, he couldn't remember the last time someone had got him a real gift like this… He looked up up at Logan, who was properly rambling now.

"I asked Patton Mercer, you know our class representative? For help, he's big into the theory that certain stones and minerals possess different properties." Logan pushed up his glasses again despite the fact that they were already up as high as they could go on his nose, he didn't notice. "He said that this one might be best considering it promotes healing and peace. I hope I am not out of line-"

"No," Virgil said quickly, interrupting Logan. "No.. No I love it," He smiled softly, looking to the ground for a moment as a faint heat overcame his cheeks. "It's.. It's really thoughtful," He looked up at Logan to see that he was blushing too. "Thanks, man."

Logan's shoulders visibly relaxed, he returned Virgil's smile. "It's nothing, I was just worried that it would be too much."

Virgil opened his mouth to speak but then from across the room their teacher suddenly spoke, causing both boys to jump. "Logan? Virgil? What are you two doing here?"

While Virgil cocked his head to the side in confusion, Logan spoke up, "Wasn't there a meeting today, Mrs. Svennson?" Out of every kid that had her, Logan was the only one who called her 'Mrs. Svennson' instead of 'Svenny' or just 'Svennson', it was probably that reason that she took an extreme liking to him.

Their teacher shook her head, "No- well yes, but if you listened to the announcement this morning I said it wasn't mandatory, I was just going to give everyone my feedback on the winter concert. Since it was optional-" She raised her hands and looked around the room, "No one else decided to come. Kudos to you two though! You did a great job at the concert."

"So we have to leave?" Virgil asked, feeling a bit disappointed. Dee wasn't going to expect him back for at least another hour… He wasn't going to like seeing him sooner than expected, especially if he had his boyfriend Remus over… He absentmindedly clutched the stone in his hand.

With a soft roll of her eyes, their teacher stood up. "I mean if you want to stay you can, but you'd have to organize all of the sheet music and clean up the Dolly Parton candles." With a sigh she looked at the shrine in the corner of the room, "I keep telling that Roman Kingsley to stop lighting candles, but he just keeps doing it anyways."

While their teacher was distracted with the shrine, Virgil stood up, Logan rose besides him. "Sorry, Svenny, but if we don't have to stay, I should probably get going," Lied Virgil, as he picked up his bag from the seat beside him. "Just got a bunch of new history notes that I got to rewrite today." He reached down and picked up his saxophone case.

Logan cast Virgil a knowing look but didn't say anything about Virgil's lie in front of their teacher. "And I should really get to the field house tonight if I can before they close the weight room for the evening." He added, still looking at Virgil.

"Go live your lives then!" Their teacher waved them out. "Have fun!"

They both uttered a thanks, Virgil waited half a second while Logan picked up his school bag and his clarinet case and then together they walked out of the band room and into the empty hall. Virgil liked the school much better when it was empty like this…

He and Logan walked to the front doors of the school without talking, instrument cases in hand. The thought was rolling in Virgil's mind that Logan hadn't brought up the fact that he lied about the history notes, considering that Logan was the guy to point out every little falsehood and lie.. It felt a bit weird, but he wasn't complaining.

"You going to the field house, yeah?" Virgil asked, pushing open the front door. Despite it being January, since he lived in Florida the weather was hardly ever chilly.

"Of course," Nodded Logan, he and Virgil walked down the sidewalk in front of the school together. Virgil's house was about twenty minutes past the field house so he and Logan would end up walking their together. "Aren't you going to call to have someone pick you up?" He asked.

Lying on instinct, Virgil said, "Nah, I don't live too far past the field house. Besides, my brother is probably busy. He has his boyfriend over when I have band…"

"Isn't your brother dating Roman's elder brother?" Asked Logan, "When I went to Patton's chorus concert I saw him there- Roman's brother I mean, and he kept saying something about D-"

"Yeah that's him," Virgil said sharply, but once he realized the how defensively he had said it he felt bad. "I don't…" He bit his lip, "Let's not talk about him, okay?"

"If the subject of your brother bothers you then I will avoid it," Logan nodded softly without needing a more elaborate answer. And while they walked to the field house together, Logan didn't mention Virgil's brother again.

***

Virgil didn't remember Dee dropping him off at the front steps of the school, or even ringing the buzzer so that the lady in the front office could let him in. One second he was in Dee's car and the next he was walking into his first period statistics class. He knew the other kids were looking at him, he knew  _ Logan  _ was looking at him. He didn't look at Logan, he couldn't bear it.

A worksheet got placed in front of him but Virgil couldn't do it even if he wanted to, he didn't have his school bag.. He couldn't remember if he left it in Dee's car or at home. All his stuff he would need for a normal day was in that bag. His pencils, his calculator, all of his homework, and his lunch money. His stone from Logan wasn't in there though, he knew it was lying on the side of the road, shattered.

Someone said something to Virgil but he couldn't process what they were saying or who it was. He looked up from the worksheet however and saw Logan, he looked beyond concerned and seeing him like that made Virgil's stomach drop. Logan was concerned now but he knew he would be mad when he found out about him losing his fidget stone. He might even break up with him. Virgil hoped he wouldn't and wanted to think that he wouldn't, but his head was telling him otherwise.  _ What kind of boyfriend would lose something like that? _

"Virgil- are you okay?" Logan asked and finally Virgil heard him. He blinked twice and looked around, everyone's eye were on them. It made him feel worse. He didn't say anything, he couldn't, and even if he could, he didn't know what to say. "Virgil, you're  _ shaking. _ " Whispered Logan, "Do you want me to take you out of here?"

The only reply Virgil could muster was a nod. Logan gingerly took his hand and pulled him up. He didn't know if he said anything to the teacher, if he did, he didn't hear it. Logan took him out into the hall and Virgil let go of his hand, touch was too much for him right now.  _ He wanted his stone. _ He wanted to feel it's cold smoothness under his fingers, he wanted to press it against his face and try to calm down. He just wanted it. He stood there, outside the doorway not saying anything, and then suddenly, all of the tears he had been holding back spilled out.

"Logan- I.. I-" And just a second ago when holding hands was too much physical touch, now Virgil wanted to be held. He wanted to feel Logan and to make sure that he wouldn't be lost too. He could hardly talk for how hard he was crying, each breath took so much effort and his head was pounding. He threw his arms around Logan's torso and felt him squeeze him close.

"Did  _ he  _ do this?" Logan asked slowly, clutching Virgil close like he might fall apart. "Did  _ he  _ hurt you?"

Virgil's breath hitched in his throat and he nodded the best he could with his face buried in Logan's chest. "Yes but-but it was my fault." He gasped.

"It's never your fault, Virgil, I never want to hear you say that again." Muttered Logan, he looked down at Virgil. "Do you want to go home?"

Virgil shook his head 'no'.

"Let me rephrase," Logan sighed, "Do you want to come to  _ my  _ home?"

"But… School- you have a p-perfect attendance record." Virgil slowly removed his face from Logan's chest, his face felt so hot. His whole body felt hot like he was burning in hell. And if Logan wasn't there it would've been hell.

"It's not my attendance I care about, it's you." Logan said softly, he loosened his grip on Virgil and slowly turned him around. "We're getting you out of here." He gently steered Virgil down the hall, which was luckily empty.

Virgil couldn't think of any words. His breaths were coming out in short gasps and his heart was beating so fast that he thought he might literally die. He kept wringing his hands and snapping his head up and towards any little noise like the laugh from a classroom or the slamming of a door.

"Virgil-" Logan said and Virgil knew at once that he had said his name at least four times. They had just passed through the school's main front doors and Logan was leading Virgil to the parking lot where his car was parked. "List for me five things you can feel right now."

Swallowing down a lump in his dry throat, Virgil exhaled shakily. "You… My heartbeat… G-Guilt, my face being too hot, and… And my sore hands." He said slowly, his mind was tense but at the simple question he felt it unfurrowing slightly.

"Good.. Good, you're doing wonderful, Virgil." Logan said quietly. "Can you tell me five things you can see?" Underfoot the gravel in the student parking lot crunched loudly, Virgil didn't like that noise.

"I see.. I-I see you, I see your car," Logan let go of him for a moment to unlock his car, then he carefully helped Virgil into the front seat and buckled his seatbelt for him. Virgil paused his list making while Logan hurried over to his side of the car and got in before starting the ignition. "I see.. Your friendship necklace," He said softly, pointing to a beaded necklace hanging around the rearview mirror that Patton had made Logan, it clinked softly as Logan drove out of the parking lot and turned onto the main road outside of the school. "How many is that?" He asked, genuinely having forgotten.

"Three," Logan looked over at him for a second, and then grabbed Virgil's hand, keeping one hand on the wheel. "You've got two more now."

Virgil pressed his forehead to the window, it wasn't cold but it was cooler than his face and felt nice against his skin. "Litter on the side of the road and the blue sky." He said finally, finishing his list. His breathing was easier now and his tears had mostly dried but were still coming out like a leaky faucet. His head was pounding and he just wanted to disappear.

"What happened, Virgil?" Logan wasted no time asking, he squeezed Virgil's hand in his. "What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?"

With a slow shake of his head Virgil took his hand out of Logan's grip and crossed his arms across his chest in a makeshift hug. "My phone didn't charge last night or somethin', so it was dead this morning and my alarm didn't go off.. I missed the bus and asked him to drive me because if I'm late again I'm gonna get ISS and when you're in ISS you can't go to any activities…" He wiped his eyes on the cuff of his hoodie. "He went off on me when I was already freaking out- I don't remember a lot… You know how I black out… But he took-" He stopped, not wanting to tell Logan the truth.

Logan looked at Virgil, completely taking his eyes off the road. "What did he take from you?" A mixture of worry and anger was visible on Logan's face. Virgil would've been scared to be on the receiving end of Logan's anger, but Logan, even when he was mad at him, never raised his voice or did anything that scared him.

"Could you- the road…" Virgil mumbled, pointing at the road in front of them.

Logan's head snapped forward, "I'm sorry- I'll keep my eyes on the road, I shouldn't of done that. But I am worried for you.. Virgil, what did he take?"

For a moment, Virgil didn't say anything. He looked out the windshield and watched the lines speed past them in the middle of the road. "He took my stone…" He said quickly, "The rose quartz one you got me before we started dating. A-And.. And he threw it out the window and I know it's gone, it's broken and I'm never going to find it."

Putting on his turn signal, Logan waited for a car to pass by him and then turned into his driveway. "That's okay," He said gently, turning to Virgil. "I can get you a new one, no problem."

"But- but aren't you mad at me?" Sputtered Virgil as Logan unbuckled his own and Virgil's seatbelt. "You bought me that! It was special! And now it's gone!" He let the seatbelt slide off of him and quickly exited the car, Logan following in suit.

With a shake of his head, Logan walked around the car to Virgil, “Why on Earth would I be upset with you? The only one who I’m upset with here is your brute of a brother.” He grabbed Virgil’s hand and gave it a small squeeze. “I don’t want you going back there, I won’t have it. He’s done this enough to you and I am finally putting my foot down.”

Virgil followed Logan up the front steps to the door, “But you know I don’t have any other place to go,” He said while Logan unlocked the front door. “Dee knows that too… As much as he hates me he’ll expect me back.”

“Falsehood,” Logan took Virgil inside and tossed his keys into a bowl on a stand near the door. “You can stay here, with me. And before you can say some self degrading thing,” He held up his hand to pause Virgil before he could even butt in. “I love you, I’ve been wanting you to move in with me as soon as I found out about your living situation. My mother likes you and even if she didn’t she is always on some business trip, You have no reason  _ not  _ to stay here.” He sat Virgil on the couch and knelt in front of him, still holding his hand. “At least, not a reason that I can think of.”

Virgil sat on the couch, thinking. Logan had asked him to move in with him over a hundred times, and when he wasn’t asking he was always subtly mentioning how it was okay for him to visit anytime he needed to. Virgil loved the idea of living with Logan, he really did, and he even thought about taking his offer about living with him a few times, but.. Something always held him back.  _ Dee  _ held him back. Words that he had long since said whispered in his mind whenever he thought about moving in with Logan, ‘ _ what if he breaks up with you? You can’t expect him to want to live with you after that’, ‘he’ll see how badly broken you are and send you packing’.  _ Even though Virgil heard those ghostly whispers right now, he did his best to push them out of his mind. “But.. What about my stuff? It’s all, all there.” With his free hand he gestured vaguely to the door, indicating the place where he and his brother lived. He didn’t say home, he never said home. That place hadn’t been a home in a long, long time.

Logan took Virgil’s raised hand and held it with his other hand, “I’ll get everything, don’t worry about it. I’m not scared of him. I’ll make him scared to mess with you ever again.”

Virgil laughed hollowly and squeezed Logan’s hands, “I know you want to do much more than just scare him…” He muttered, “But- but you can’t, you shouldn’t. If you’re involved with anything violent and the school finds out, you could lose your shot at valedictorian.”

With a sad smile, Logan brought both of Virgil’s hands to his lips and kissed his knuckles,“That’s something I could care less about, what I do care about is making sure you’re safe.” He looked up at him, “It’s a bad habit you have, putting other peoples’ thoughts and feelings before your own.”

Virgil opened his mouth to apologize, but he knew Logan didn’t like it when he did that. He nodded slowly instead, “Just don’t do it today then, please..” He whispered. “I don’t want to be alone here, I don’t think I could manage it.”

Slowly Logan stood up, “Okay… I’ll get them this weekend then, my mother is coming home on Friday so she’ll be here with you.” He placed Virgil’s hands in his lap. “Are you tired?”

“Fuckin’ exaushted,” Virgil sighed. “It’s not even eight in the morning and I feel like I could sleep until the world ends.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, attacks like yours’ take a lot out of you. Go to my room,” Logan gave a curt nod in the direction of his room down the hall. “Lay down, I’ll get you some water and something to eat. Did you take your medication today?”

Virgil stood up and his head felt dizzy, he swayed slightly but didn’t fall. “Yeah.. Yeah I did.” He said quietly, he walked past Logan and their shoulders brushed. He could feel the other watching him as he walked down the hall. He stopped in front of Logan’s door and stared at it for a second before opening it and walking in.

Logan’s room was always nice and organized, it was never dirty and there was never anything out of place. Virgil really liked Logan’s room, it was like one of those rooms that a kid had in a TV sitcom, but cleaner. He sat down on the left side of the bed and kicked off his shoes, he tucked them underneath the bed and then fell back. He was so tired, and his heart was still racing, just not as much as before. He slipped under the blankets and pulled them up to his chest.

A few minutes later, Logan walked in. Virgil pushed himself up on his elbows when the door opened.

Logan held a paper plate with a sandwich and a packet of poptarts on it in one hand, and in the other he held a sweating glass of ice water with pills. He sat down on the edge of the bed near Virgil and handed him the water and the pills first. Virgil took them, he didn’t ask what type of pills they were, he didn’t need to. He could’ve taken them without the water, it’s what he was used to. But since Logan was there, he took them properly with a large gulp of water.

“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow,” Virgil said as Logan handed him the plate of food, he hadn’t yet eaten that day and his stomach was churning with stress and hunger.

“I’ll call the principal this evening then.. It’s Friday, I’ll stay here with you.” Logan watched Virgil open up the pack of poptarts and pushed up his glasses with a small sigh. “Are you comfortable with me disclosing to her your situation?”

Virgil pulled out a single, brown sugar cinnamon poptart, “I’d rather you not go into detail..” He took a small bite of the corner. He always at the crust of the poptarts first, he thought they tasted the best.

With a soft nod, Logan put his hand on Virgil’s knee and didn’t say anything.

Virgil ate his poptart in silence, neither of them looking at each other. Finally, Virgil spoke after he finished his poptart, “I know you said that you’re not mad about it… But I just can’t stop thinking that you are.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Logan said softly. “Especially not for another person’s actions. When you’re ready, we can go buy you a new stone if you’d like.”

Virgil nodded, “Yeah… I’d like that,” He looked down at his food and then slowly put his hand on top of Logan’s. “Thank you,” He said, wanting to say sorry. “I know I’m a handful.”

Logan stood up, turning his hand over to hold Virgil’s hand. “It’s okay,” He murmured, leaning close to place a soft kiss to Virgil’s forehead. “You’re worth it, you give more than you take. Far more.”

“I love you,” Sighed Virgil, he grabbed Logan’s shirt and tipped his own head up to kiss him.

Logan’s hand moved to cup Virgil’s cheek, kissing him back, “I love you too,” He whispered, pulling away.

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea forever ago but I finally started it last night! Wow this thing is long!
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated!!!


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